Saturday, March 29, 2014
Well hey. It's been awhile. The last thing I went on about was my grandma passing away. It's still hard to this day, about 5 months after she passed away my other Grandma did and it was just as hard. Especially with my cousin, Sophie crying super hard. I remember walking up to her house and standing on the porch because no one would let me go in and see her and Sophie came down the stairs and ran right to me and gave me a big hug and began to cry on my shoulder. I hated seeing her like this, and my dad and Grandpa crying is way harder because they don't care to show much emotion (besides when they're angry). Sophie and I wrote a poem for the funeral as well and had the lady read it, we held hands through the whole thing. So after her passing away all I have left for Grandparents is my great grandpa and my Grandpa, both on my dads side. So, after my grandma passed away, I mean literally a day after she did Pj decided to break up with me for someone else, who didn't even live in the state. Let's just say there was a whole lot of crying, but I let him go I mean we were only together for 8 months. Of course after letting go I went through a depressed stage and began to cut again and did some bad things I didn't want to do in life, I talked to a lot of guys including one of his old best friends. Pj eventually told my mom about this so my tried taking me to a therapist, we went for a day and that was it. I didn't think telling a lady my problems was gonna help any. Pj and I talked for the longest time after breaking up and then it faded out. I still tell him happy birthday and he still does the same, and every so often I get a message of him saying that he loves me but they're just best to ignore. We don't talk as much as we used to though because he's in the National Guard. After Pj there was Chase. He wasn't all that great he was more focused on other things that I gave into and yeah.. it's probably what you're thinking of. Chase and I dated for about 2 or 3 months and then broke up due to a lot of fighting because of doing things I didn't want to do but I did anyways. The day we broke up he told me how much of a failure I was in life and I believed it, I was talking to this other guy at this point in time and his name was Ashtin, he was going to be a freshmen just as I was going to be a sophomore. He was a year and 11 days younger than me. He was there the night Chase and I broke up, he talked to me for hours on the phone as I bawled, he told me everything was gonna be okay, and it was because a week after that Ashtin and I were dating. Well, the fact of me not being able to see him kind of ruined our relationship, he got angry a lot eventually and I did some stupid things. We finally went our separate ways after getting back together 3 times. I should probably include that those things I didn't wanna do with Chase, I ended up doing with 2 other guys because he really made me feel as if I was a failure. Anyways, I don't know really where to include this I just know it was important to me, there was this kid named Darryl who rode my bus, he has long brown hair and brown eyes. I had the hugest crush on him since 5th grade. Anyways, we were riding the bus home one night and he asked me to sit with him so I did, but I don't remember how it happened but we kissed, not only that his hand somehow ended up my shirt but it's whatever. Also, about a year after that we started talking again and I ended up going to his house and some stuff happened and then it got around in his grade so his friends would say stuff to me when I was walking down the hallway, I always ignored them of course. Now I learned he was never worth having a crush on because he's an ass. Back to my other story, after Ashtin there is Anthony. Which is currently who I am with. I don't wanna say there is not really much to say about him because there is, but it's not like I can go on and explain our story. We started dating like a week ago, we talk all the time. I told him the moment we started talking that I didn't want to get attached and now look at what he has done to me. I loved when he came to see me, all the kisses I got that day were crazy! I miss him now though! He's been here for the past few nights when I needed him and I love him like crazy. I should probably included Jacey in here somewhere, Jacey and I aren't as close as we used to be because we have like no classes together. She is still my best friend though and always will be. I'm just gonna cut it here, there is probably a lot more to say but I can't think of it right now.
Monday, August 20, 2012
I can’t wait till after school. Pj gets to come see me. It took a lot of talking with my dad and some cleaning and doing homework to get him to let me but He also said I need to be responsible so that’s not the only reason I did it. It’s been rough since my grandma has passed, almost 2 weeks already. It’s insane. Every time I walk through the door to my house I wanna cry because I’m so used to her saying “Bailey, come see me.” I can’t help but cry or whimper every time I walk by her room. Just the night before she passed I was talking to her and everything seemed okay to me and then the next day my mom’s all “Bailey, I had to call the ambulance. Grandma’s acting a little weird. I think she just might have the flu but she’s just acting strange.” I wasn’t afraid at all. Then we get to the hospital and the doctor came out pretty quick saying she had a brain bleed. Of course.. I wasn’t quite sure of what he meant until my mom and one of my aunts started asking questions. I didn’t really know it was dangerous until my aunt called my other aunt who babysits and had about 12 kids rushed in the door. They let us back to see her and my grandma kept saying “Ohh my head!!” My brother came. He got to ride with her the ambulance because he’s an EMT. He stood there with my mom and I. My grandma said in the ambulance, “I don’t want a tube in my throat at all!” They eventually came in and said they were gonna fly her to a better hospital. It was about an hour drive. Everyone was in the car, my two aunts, my mom, dad, brother, Sister-In-Law, and me. Finally the doctor from the other hospital called. He said “The only way we can do surgery is if we put a tube down her throat during it. She would probably have to have it for a long time.” My mom looked at her sisters and told them what the doctor said, they all said, “Don’t do it,” I didn’t really understand until my mom began to cry and one aunt did. The brain bleed was bad. We got to the hospital and waited until they said we could see her. She wasn’t really responsive; actually she wasn’t responsive at all. My mom sat there brushing her hair back and crying, later on I walked out of the room and into the room they had us sitting in. I sat there and got on the computer. My dad came in later on and looked at me and said with tears in his eyes “You have to grow up a lot now.” I looked back at him and said, “I know dad I’m not 5.” I sat there within a couple of seconds he said “I know it just scares me” I was unsure of what to say so I didn’t respond. He went to the bathroom. My cousin walked into the room later on and then the social worker walked in and said “I’m sorry you guys, she just passed.” She took me back to the room and I stood there in front of her lifeless body and began to cry. My mom was bawling, one of my aunts was taken back to the ER because she had pretty much an anxiety attack. I just stood there and stared. I looked up at my brother who was in tears, I ran over and hugged him I hid my face in his chest. Everything was just going through my head, what am I gonna do, I’m gonna be home alone a lot now, what are the dogs gonna think, what are we gonna do with her room, whose gonna wake me up in the morning and more. There was so many questions but no answers. My brother wanted me to go up and say “Goodbye” I told him I couldn’t. I know I couldn’t. I cried and cried. My brother pushed me up to her body and looked at me and said “You don’t have to say it out loud, just say it in your head. You don’t have to kiss her just gently touch her.” I reached out and gently touched her arm and thought in my head “This is the hardest goodbye yet, but I’m going to regret it if I don’t say it at all,” I rubbed her arm and whispered, “Goodbye” I just wanted to lay in her bed with her one more time, have her ask me what day it was, have me help her out of her bed, cuddle up next to her when I was sick and so much more. One grandma left, that’s all I have. I didn’t know how my mom was gonna take this. We said one last goodbye and left the room. I wish I would’ve been in the room when she passed. The chapel lady said it was very strong and she had never had it happen, they said the Lord’s Prayer one of my grandma’s favorites and right as they said amen she stopped breathing. Grandma always said she didn’t want to have to fight for her breath as she passed and she didn’t, she just took a breath and stopped as she opened the door to heaven. We had the visitation. I was actually kind of excited to see what she looked like because most people don’t look like themselves. I walked up to her casket. My mom started bawling, I had tears in my eyes but I held them back. She looked the best she had ever had in years. She look liked herself. We had her cubs shirt on her we had cookies and 7up in the casket because that’s all she ate and drank. My mom placed my thing I wrote in the casket and a few other things. My aunt who had the anxiety attack came in, she didn’t really cry. She just sat there and talked to grandma then started talking to me. She made me cry, I hid my face in her chest to. Then after I stopped I went to the bathroom and fixed my make up. People came in and gave us their sympathy I didn’t know half the people I sat there and shook hands of the people I didn’t know and hugged people I did. After it was over I went and sat in the car and talked to Pj. Eventually I went back inside my mom asked me if I wanted her to take me up to the casket and say goodnight I said “no,” and grabbed my brother we went up there and just stared. My brother began to cry. I hugged him and he pulled me away from the casket. I stayed as strong as I could. I hated seeing my brother cry. It made me cry half the time. We finally got into the car after giving my brother a hug. We headed home. My parents sat outside and talked. I went upstairs because I didn’t feel like talking to people who were gonna make me cry. I talked on the phone with Pj for a while then showered and went to bed. The next day was the hardest part. We got ready then headed to the funeral home. We walked through the door and were greeted and showed where to go. As soon as my mom saw her body she began to cry again. I held back. Every one showed up my mom put a few things in the casket before they made us go out there. We slowly walked away from the casket after saying a prayer and went and sat where we were supposed to. I sat next to my brother because I didn’t wanna leave his side. I was already crying because my mom was so was my brother. The pastor began; they played Amazing Grace, which was what grandma wanted at her funeral, I cried even harder when they played it. I still cry when I hear the song. I wrote something for grandma so my mom’s friend went up to the podium and read it for me because I know I couldn’t. My brother cried pretty hard when he heard it, he put his hand on my knee, which just made me cry more. After the funeral was over and they let us out all the grandchildren gathered around the casket and lifted it in to the car we rode in one of the other vehicles. We got to the graveyard and lifter her out of the car and over on to the thing that lowers them down. They gave me a flower from her thing that said “Grandmother” on it. Everybody was crying. I don’t think I have ever hugged so many people in my life until that day. It was so rough. Losing a grandmother that you live with is the worst thing.
8-19-12: So I kind of wrote some of this before school ended and I just wanted to come back in here and say it’s still rough today just to walk through the door with starting high school and not hearing her voice say “Well hi Miss. Bailey, how was you first day of high school?” or hearing her voice in the morning to wake me up. A couple of days ago was my birthday. I had my birthday during school and I just wanted to wake up that morning with her no teeth smile right there as I walk down the stairs and hear her yell “HAPPY BIRTHDAYY!” but I have such kind parents who planted signs all over the house to cheer me up. We also had a party and I’m so used to her getting me like 5 presents, but I knew she was there. I still remember her wake and funeral like it was yesterday, every little detail I stuck in my head. I sleep in her room, which is kind of weird sometimes because I feel like she’s laying in bed with me. I always know she’s around no matter where I am, I know she’s up there watching over me. I just want you to know, I know how rough it is to lose someone so close to you, someone who was always there to run to when you didn’t wanna say anything to anyone else because you were afraid of what they’d think. Your not alone.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
I have no clue why you still text me. I’ve told you to stop plenty of times, I even talked to your girlfriend and told her to ask you to stop. You wait a few weeks and then you text me and say “Hey. How you doing? I hope you’re still alive.” If you were over me you wouldn’t text me and say that, actually you wouldn’t even text me at all. You’re not over me are you? I’m completely over you, I have my amazing boyfriend who is willing to do anything for me, who doesn’t yell at me, who doesn’t get mad over calling a little kid cute. I mean really if you get mad over that, you’re just pathetic. When I think about it, I hate going back through our memories. They’re just us fighting. The only good times I ever had with you was hanging out with you, but that’s all faded now. Your all faded now. I have Pj, our memories are gone. Pj and I have everything I wanted. The little silly inside jokes, the cute late night talks, different conversations every day, I’ve seen him more then I ever saw you, he calls me beautiful you only ever called me hot. That’s how you tell who’s a true boyfriend and whose not. Pj always wants to talk to me, he wants less then you ever wanted from me, he’s actually cute, he’s himself and not trying to act cool, and he helps me. You did none of that. In fact you never did anything for me, besides have your dad bring you here. But that’s different. I’m pretty sure your dad loved me more then you ever did. Get over the fact that I don’t want you anymore, Alright? I don’t need you in my life to survive. I need Pj and he’s the only guy besides my dad that I need in my life. So get over it. I’ve said my goodbyes; I’ve shot my deuces. I’m done.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Well, you may have noticed I’ve been very happy lately and that’s not only thanks to my best friend, Jacey. But thanks to him, Pj. Hopefully Jacey and I get to hang out with Dakota, Zack, and him next week. I really want Jacey and Dakota to date because that’s my best friend dating one of his best friends! You know how amazing that’d be! We’d hang out a lot and maybe even when Jacey and I are in high school, go to prom with them. Prom with your best friend and boyfriend? Amazing! Nothing better than that. I finally getting my time in the light, my time to smile all the time. Only because I found my best friend that I’m not afraid to act stupid around, and because I found the guy who cares. Who say’s “Awwh, What’s wrong?” When I say “Oww” who knows when I’m mad just through texting, who knows when something is wrong. Who know everything about me and only learned it in a month. You don’t even know how much that shows that he cares. He’s cared more then anyone else has. He’s showed me who I truly am, who I am meant to be. He’s showed me I don’t have to pretend to be somebody I’m not, with him. He’s showed me that he actually loves me and would never lie about it. He means more then you think he would ever mean to me and so does Jacey. Them two have been through everything so far with me. Jacey’s been there through break ups and good times. Pj’s been there through fights with family and just when I’m mad at someone. He’s such a good listener and so is Jacey. I would never, EVER be able to live my life without them, they mean way to much to me, and I mean WAYYYY to much. Thank you guys(:
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Yes, I realize family comes first and you always have. No matter who is my boyfriend. Even if Harry Styles or Ross Lynch or any other famous guy were my boyfriend you’d always come first. I don’t know why you’re being like this. I’ve always put you before him. Yeah, so I talk about him to you… I always listen to you go on about people why don’t I get to say anything about someone. Every time when you come home from your dad’s Sophie, you go on and on and I listen but when I go to say one thing… You tell me to shut up. Does that seem fair? Or make since? You’re even going on and lying to your own boyfriend about me being some chick named Caitlyn and being your sister. I may have told people you were my sister, but I have never lied about your name. I may have lied to my boyfriends that I was doing something and I wasn’t really doing it. I may have lied to my boyfriends and said I’d never cheat on them and yet I did, but that’s my mistake. I’d really like to know why you’re mad at me. You say it’s because of Pj but you won’t say what about him. I wanna know. You’re supposed to be my cousin/sister and I’m supposed to be able to tell you things but I can’t when you don’t listen. This is why I have friends. This is why I have a boyfriend who will listen, but I’d still rather have my cousin, I take it I can’t because your just gonna tell me to shut up. I don’t understand you. Just because I’ve known you longer doesn’t mean I’m gonna love you more then I love him. I know him better then I even know you. I don’t even know who you are anymore. Ever since you moved out here you have changed, and not in a bad way. A good way. You all of a sudden have a heart for some people. (I’m not one of them) We don’t hang out as much as we used to so I don’t know all of this yet. All I know is you’re my baby cousin and just because I get caught up in a relationship doesn’t mean I love the guy more then I love you. We’re family. I have to put up to you, and it’s not always the best. So what I yell at you. No reason to get mad because I don’t mean half of the stuff I say. Just build a bridge and get over it. (:
Monday, April 23, 2012
That blade I used to run to is no longer a blade, I went in for a trade. A blade, traded with a person, just so it doesn’t worsen. I took a trade for the best, I confessed. Told him all my stories, he told me I didn’t have to worry. I felt calm, trust, I didn’t feel crushed. Until now, I found out. So you ask how? I decided to look at your stuff, turns out I couldn’t be that tough. I really don’t wanna leave you, but if you want me to I will boo. I’ll leave; I’ll weave, through the pain. As you brake the chain, I’ll take the chance of cutting my vein. That’s just what I do. When I care, I’ll just cut right through. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine, just give me some time. Why’d you talk to her, you knew it’d effect me more. Are you trying to make me jealous, you know it makes me rebellious. I thought I didn’t have to worry, and now you scurry, scurry away. I take it you don’t wanna stay? That’s Okay. Just leave me here to die in pain, with my cut vain. I won’t make you stay, if you wanna leave go. If you wanna stay then show, show me you want me. Show me that you need me to stay around. If you can’t you’ll just burn me down, inside. What happen to our collide? It died, didn’t it? Guess it’s time to quit. As soon as you give up on me, I give up on you. I guess I didn’t get the clue. Ohh well, I guess we’re done now. There you go, taking your last bow. It’s your fault, you’re the one who lied. I’m just the on who cried. You need to decide. Take me with or leave me behind. We had this bind, and now we’re getting all unwind. What’s going on here? Will you steer, steer me in the right direction. We had a connection. Why is everything disappearing? Why is she cheering? I hope she’s happy she get’s what she wants; I have no response, to her. Whatever just let things clear, just let me disappear. Go be with her, that what she wants that’s what she gets. Just leave me here like this. Don’t check me for cuts, you don’t even have the guts. Deep and bloody is how it goes, that just shows. Look at how close it is to the vein and there goes my pain. It clears, just as the tears, fall. Watch them fall, sit there and watch me bawl. You go and go further away, my life turns gray. Everything changes, everything rearranges. It’s all different now, so there I go taking my final bow.